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Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Taking ownership...


Chris and I didn't even bother getting out of bed on Monday until nearly noon. After all the running around we did on the weekend, we were determined to have a lazy Labor Day. But eventually we got out of bed, cleaned up, and went for a drive. Chris was out of gas from our trip around the state, visiting both families and both sides of Michigan, so we stopped at the corner gas station. It was raining, so I waited in the car while Chris filled the tank. I was staring off at the traffic on 28th street when Chris tapped on driver's side window and mouthed some words to me about a book. "Huh?" I scrunched my eyebrows to get the point across. He reached back and then held up a book for me to see, a sorry-looking left-behind token, wrinkled and wet from the dripping rain. He laughed and turned to put it back where he found it. I tapped on the glass and waved my hand towards me. He opened up the door and said, "You want it?"

"I want to look at it," I said. It was called "Stealing Buddha's Dinner," which interested me right away because I had been thinking about Buddhism a lot and about how important balance is and how I might incorporate more of it into my life. When I flipped it around to look at the synopsis on the back cover, I realized it was a memoir. At the very least, I could use it as another example of what a successful published memoir looks like and try to mirror it in my work. And then I opened up to the first page and read, "We arrived in Grand Rapids with five dollars and a knapsack of clothes." And I had to have it.

Now, I don't condone stealing, but it was obviously abandoned. And besides, for all I know, it very well could have been a gift from Fate, an opportunity for change in my life. Although I haven't put much stock into Fate since I was a freshman in college, I have been trying to be better about exploring such opportunities that present themselves in my daily life. For example, I took that hip-hop dance class in the spring BY MYSELF without knowing anyone else. That was big for me. I learned how to knit at a knitting club that was offered at our apartment complex (and learned I'm not too great at it). And I joined a Writing Club, which is even more risky because I put myself out there to be judged by total strangers. I recently met with a man who is starting his own business and needed a "creative writer" to help him with some of his projects, and I've also interviewed for a ballroom dancing instructor position. My reasons for doing such things? Because I thought they sounded interesting. Because I don't want to sit on the couch every evening. Because I want more adventure in my life. Because I didn't have a good reason not to.

My long-lost summer camp friend and fellow blogger (though she is much more advanced at it and much more popular than I am) Rachel Wilkerson has been inspiring so many people on the web, including me, with her world-renowned concept of OWNING IT. She says people need to stop feeling guilty and instead of saying "I'm sorry," say, "Sorry, I'm NOT sorry." If you're one the few on the net who aren't down with her message yet, see it for yourself here.

So I'm owning the fact I stole an abandoned book at a gas station. And I'm sorry I'm not sorry.
And I'm owning the fact that I refuse to settle for a life that doesn't have adventure and passion.
I'm owning that I like Usher's "Love in This Club" and dance around to it in the bedroom.
I'm owning that I eat junk food and watch old "Grey's Anatomy" DVDs after work before my husband gets home.
I'm not sorry for any of it.

As hypocritical as this may seem, I didn't end up taking the "creative writing" position or the ballroom dance instructor position. At first I did feel guilty about it. I felt like I wasn't doing more to change my lifestyle and to get out of my dead-end job. I felt like maybe I was throwing opportunities away. But then I owned up to what it is I really want out of life. No matter how long I've been out of school, no matter how many stupid jobs I've had, there's always been one thing I wanted, but I've been too scared to go for it. And I've been hiding behind lots of lame excuses so I could avoid putting myself out there to achieve it. And the creating writing job and the dance instructor job, while I'm sure I would enjoy them and perhaps even be successful at them, AREN'T WHAT I REALLY WANT, and it's time to stop settling and get what I want most out of life.

I'm owning that I want to go back to school. I'm owning that I want to get a better degree. I'm owning that I want to write. And I'm not sorry.

So, hopefully, Rachel, this is part of "getting it." In her words...

Don’t ever settle. Everything you’ve ever wanted is within reach. Everything. Seriously…everything. So get it.

I still have a long way to go. There are still plenty of things I'm still sorry for and feel guilty about. And every day, I feel like I have to "get" things all over again or remind myself not to settle. But I suppose that's just life.

In other news, when I saw my mother this weekend, she had a box for me. As I removed the newspaper wrapping, I had to laugh. In it was the tree mug and retro '60s mugs from my grandfather's kitchen, the ones that I spent most of my time haunting a few weekends ago. Maybe grandpa's mug will give me more inspiration for my book. Perhaps I'll make a cup of tea in it later and see what kind of memories steep onto the page. Then again, Grandpa never drank much tea.

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